Relationships are a weird thing. They come with a lot of growth, a lot of love, a lot of memories and experiences, and they really imprint themselves onto your being. Unfortunately, they can also create a lot of scars.

I have a lot of really beautiful memories of being with someone I loved. I have grown in so many different ways from that experience, not only while it was going on, but after it ended as well. One of the biggest gifts I received from my last relationship was my voice. I was lovingly encouraged and nurtured to sing. There was a lot of patience and acceptance there. I felt comfortable to explore something so private up until then. Now, I am the lead singer of Metanoia. A band that has grown with me since it began and it is only the start of my musical journey. I don’t think there would be a Metanoia had my past lover never encouraged me to sing in the first place. I needed a lot of compliments and words of encouragement to continue or begin and he helped me with that. He provided that environment for me and for that I will forever be grateful to him.

There were a lot of good memories, a lot of fun times smoking and dancing and laughing together. He was my best friend and there was a moment when I couldn’t imagine myself anywhere without him. Sadly, and inevitably, things changed.

There were a lot of things going on, a lot of life changes happening when the relationship really started to evolve away from this loving experience to this angry and resentful experience. Personal health issues with him and I was pregnant. So yes, LOTS of changes and things that were really scary for a couple of 20 year olds to be going through. Looking back I can see where I went wrong and what I could have done to maybe help him, but I also see places where he could have improved.

I should have been more focused on how he was feeling with his medical issues. I know he was scared. I should have paid more attention, spoken to him more, loved him more in the ways he needed me too. I was lost in falling in love with this beautiful baby girl I was carrying inside of my belly. I was obsessed, like all mothers usually are. I forgot to focus on him and I focused on me and my daughter (not that it was wrong to do so, but I was not conscientious in my actions). We were being pulled into our own separate worlds. He was depressed. I was excited. He felt alone. I was surrounded by family and my growing baby. We were living two very different realities at the time and it caused a lot of issues to arise.

Arguments became more common. Spending time together became less of an option. We would spend our nights together, but never would we go out together. He would hang out with his friends while I was alone. I begged and cried to him many nights to please, be with me. To please spend time with me. To please love me in the way I am asking. Instead, he slept all day. Isolated from Nairah and I in his dream world. Instead he worked all day. Instead he left us. He left me.

As time kept going, I kept feeling more isolated from him. I kept feeling more angry towards him because he wouldn’t wake up to spend time with us, because he wouldn’t do the things he said he would do, because he didn’t want to spend time with me. He pushed me so far away and none of it was on purpose. It was all just careless mistakes. Even though I tried numerous times to tell him what I needed from him, he would ignore it, or try it out for one day and then revert to his old ways. I needed him to change and that is not something I think you can expect someone to do.

You can ask for your loved one to listen to your cries and hope that they will have their own desire to change because they love you and want to always make you happy, but that is not always the case. Sometimes they hear you, but they either can’t change or don’t want to. Maybe they hear you, but they ignore it. Maybe they hear you, but there are other things happening in their life that they aren’t being completely open about with you and so they bury themselves in the stresses of keeping you happy and keeping their sanity. I really don’t know what all contributed to the problems we faced, but I know that I tried. I tried my fucking hardest to make him see what was hurting me before letting go.

Now, a year later and I am still hurt by the pain. I am still sad that he let me slip so far away. I am still hurt that he can’t communicate with me. I am still confused about what love means to him and how come it wasn’t received on my end. There are so many unanswered questions and things that I wish I could say to him, but I know he doesn’t care anymore. At least not in a way that he would hear me out. He may care somewhat because we were married and were in love at one point in time, but my thoughts are irrelevant to him now.

I wish that I could get him to see that I tried. I wish I could get him to remember that I was begging him to help me fix the broken mess of our relationship. I could see it falling apart way before it completely fell apart. I wish I could get him to take responsibility for the faults that he held in the relationship. I wish that he would have become better, but I feel he has stayed the same. Maybe he has grown in ways I can’t see because I do not really know him anymore, but when he interacts with me I still feel frustration, I feel pain because I still feel unheard.

I guess what I need to know now is how do I let all this go? How can I just let it go in one breath? I no longer want to feel this pain or sadness. I will always love him and care about him, but I don’t want to hurt. I need to let it go, but I don’t know how. Is there a quick fix or does  it take years and years to let go? The same way it took years and years to build up? If so, then there are a lot of years ahead of me where I will be slowly releasing this pain, but if there is a way to let it all go now I want to do that. I want to let it all go now.

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Demisexual

A few months ago I was having talk with my closest (and best) friend. We were talking about when we were younger and started experiencing sexual desires. She told me she was in middle school when she began thinking about sexual things and becoming curious. I seem to remember a lot of kids talking about sexual things and I had even heard about kids already having sex in middle school. I guess it had never really dawned on me until this point because I have always been a bit of an outsider, but I didn’t have any sexual desires as a preteen/teenager. I do remember being curious what it might be like to kiss someone, but I was just thinking about a small peck on the lips, not a full on make out which seemed kind of gross to me at that time. My middle school friends thought it was strange when I might seem grossed out about making out or something or the sort. It’s really funny to think about it now because suddenly things make a little more sense.

What I realized when I was talking  to my friend was that I was actually a demisexual. A demisexual is someone who must be mentally stimulated in order to possibly desire to experience physical stimulation. Basically, it is absolutely necessary for a demisexual to have an emotional connection before they can develop an intimate connection.

I remember becoming infatuated with some guys in high school because one night we spent hours and hours just talking on the phone. I would feel this emotional connection and then we would “date”. Anywhere from a few days to a week later I would realize I really did not like them in the romantic way and so I would break up with them. It is really silly and it happened quite a few times. I didn’t know what happened. It was nothing they did. Now I realize that I connected to them emotionally for a moment and that is what made me desire them, but then I would realize that connection was maybe just for that moment or wasn’t consistent and so I would get uncomfortable and leave.

Still to this day I do not have sexual desires for just anyone. I absolutely must have a strong bond with them. I definitely see attractive people, but I am not turned on by them whatsoever. Even if I am alone with them, I have no desire to initiate anything or give them any hints to initiate anything.

However, just because I am a demisexual does not mean I am not a sexual person. I am very sexual with a select few over my life. I have a pretty high sex drive and I really love having sex (like most people). The only thing that is special about my case is that I can’t just hook up with people. I have bonds with people and I feel those are very sacred to myself. I truly value those, but if you can turn me on mentally it is pretty simple to get my body going. It really won’t take much.

 

Are there any other demisexuals reading my blog? When did you realize you were a demisexual? How did you feel when you finally were able to put the pieces together about how your sexuality works?

 

There is no right or wrong sexuality. Everyone has their own unique brand and twist on it. We are human beings and we exhibit a myriad of sexualities. I do not think more highly of mine versus yours. I think they are all equal and I think everyone should learn to understand theirs and should be proud of what they are. I also think it is very important that we all take time to understand our sexuality. It is a huge part of us and the more you understand about yourself the more you can grow in all directions.

Demisexual

Anarchy is for the lovers.

As I have grown in my spirituality and as I have gained more knowledge on the true philosophy of anarchy I have become increasingly aware of the various ways its principles can be applied in my personal life. I am one for consistency. I like to apply my ideals into every way of my being. I strive to be consistent in my word and action. Anarchy represents freedom and allowing freedom to exist is the ultimate expression of love. I believe a single voluntary expression of love is worth more than all the performed acts of love that are expected in the traditional relationships. How exactly can a loving relationship exist in the form of anarchy? I will get to that, but first let me tell you a little bit about my experience with love.

I fell in love in high school. This love was young and new and fresh and exciting. Everything about it was intriguing. I loved the adventure waiting at every bend, but it was naive, like most first loves tend to be. It started out as something exciting and unfolded into this unhealthy dependency and need to control the flow of love that we were giving and receiving. He was “mine” and I was “his”. We fell into what most people fall into and it is a subject not often talked about, the ownership aspect of love. My body was only to be shared and viewed as his. Deep conversations were only to be shared with him because I couldn’t risk feeling intimate towards another person. It would damage our relationship. Everything I did affected him. It was as though we lost our individualities and became one entity. Feeling the same and moving the same and behaving in the same expected ways. The problem was that we desired to cage in this love. We desired to own it, to control it, to suppress it. All of this was done unknowingly, however. We never intended to become this. We never intended to create this, but all the steps we took along the way set us up for disaster.

When love is labeled it suddenly has a list of expectations attached to it. “If you are my boyfriend you need to call me every day or my feelings will get hurt.” These unspoken rules get applied and there’s a whole list of them. Love with an anarchist principle attached to it leaves no rules in place, especially unspoken rules. It is open and honest in its communication to bring complete awareness to the other person/s involved. Instead, that daily call or text becomes totally and completely voluntary. When two people care about each other it is expressed in their movements, their interactions with each other. It is without rules. It is expressed in each fleeting moment of pure freedom.

Love requires freedom. It is necessary to allow it to flow freely between you and the universe. Expectations and guidelines that are placed on love can cause tension and can limit how the love is expressed. Tension will build over time and if it is dealt with appropriately it will not cause too much of a disturbance, but often this tension goes unnoticed until one day a small disagreement becomes a full on argument. Love has no masters. It owns itself. It is not completely controllable. It ebbs and flows and you had to ride the wave or drown. You cannot force it to be a certain way. You cannot force it into a mold that you created. It is nature and mother nature is the truest anarchist of all. Obeying no one she moves as she pleases, ignoring all borders and laws. When love becomes limited, boxed, caged, it loses an essential part of its essence. It loses its freedom and when it loses its freedom it suddenly becomes dull and routine.

My own personal belief about anarchy is that it is the way to happiness not only for myself, but for everyone around me. Every person is free to live the life they choose. It is the ultimate expression of selflessness. Love must be treated this way also. Love must not be for your own sake, but also for the sake of those around you. It is not something you take from someone else, but something you share between you and that other person/s. Instead of trying to control how the situation will play out you just sit back and watch it unfold. Let it unfold organically into its comfortable shape. As it unfolds you sit and appreciate it. You admire it. You love it. If you try to change it then you are making it so it fits your selfish desires first rather than letting it manifest into its own unique energy. This mentality allows your love to flourish at its own rate without judgement or haste. It allows you to realize how beautiful it is at every level. It is selfless. You are there to appreciate the love, not to hoard it, not to control it, not to mold it.

Love is without force. It represents a truly free energy that persists throughout the world. No borders can keep it out. No laws can shut it down. No enemies can blow it up. It is there, it is open, and it is free. It manifests into many different shapes and sizes, each to be appreciated equally. Love is an anarchist, obeying no rulers and following no masters.

Be accepting, understanding, patient, and honest. Even if the honesty hurts, it must be laid out bare naked in the sun. Give your lover the opportunity to see you and all your beauty, but also all your flaws. Give them the option to accept them as is. Do not hide any pieces of yourself. Do not try to control love. Do not try to force it to be a certain way. Do not set it up with limits. Allow it to be the anarchist it really is. Allow it to be voluntary. Allow it to be free. Allow it to be selfless. Remember to be strong, honest, open, and courageous. Be all those adjectives you use to describe love. Be the anarchist that love tends to be. Anarchy and love go hand in hand. Without each other they no longer function. They are essential to each others existences. Anarchy is love, love is anarchy, and anarchy is for the lovers.

-Cristina

 

 

Find more articles like this at http://www.theconsciousresistance.com

Anarchy is for the lovers.

Anarchy: The Selfless Path

“Anarchism is the idea that there should be no government. In Objectivist terms, this amounts to the view that every man should defend himself by using physical force against others whenever he feels like it, with no objective standards of justice, crime, or proof.”

Anarchy has been misunderstood by a small group of people who spread their misinterpreted knowledge to the masses. It has been repeatedly defined as chaotic, no rules, unsafe, inhumane. This quote was taken from a website dealing with the philosophy of Ayn Rand. There is one major problem with this understanding of anarchy and it is the use of the word force. Anarchy is without force. This does not imply that each community of anarchist do not have their own set or “rules” or one could even say “laws”, in place. It does not say that all the communities of anarchist must obey the same principles or the same ideals. It says that everyone can live the life they see fit and if they see a government like structure as fit they are entitled to do so as long as force is eliminated.

Government has been determined to undermine and outcast the anarchists and any anarchists thought. It is fueled by the necessity to coerce and overpower. It is driven by individuals “just doing their job”. No thoughts, all action. No questions, all comply. Government, in all actuality, is an invisible entity giving orders to the legs and arms of government, i.e. the police force, judiciary system, education system, etc. They need the people to fear them and do as they say in order to maintain control. If the people get the faintest idea that they can rule themselves, that they are capable of setting up a system that benefits them, the government will be out of business. Over the centuries anarchists have been painted in a negative light. Portrayed as evil, sinister, lawless murderers who crave the taste of blood and war. It is funny because that seems to be exactly what they are, not what we, the anarchists are. Anarchism is not chaos or the rejection of organization. It does not promote murderous activities, theft, violence of any sort. There are all sorts of sub genres of anarchism, but what can be said about all of them is that they promote self ownership.

Government is a selfish institution made up of egocentric and apathetic individuals. Government was set up to self serve a small group of individuals. It was a way to achieve power and control. It was not set up to help the poor. It was not set up to help the business owner. It was not set up to educate the children. It was set up as a device to initiate the complete ownership of thousands and millions of people. It was setup to use individuals as pawns in their game to gain control of the entire world. The United States has been involved in some war since the beginning of its development as a country. Prior to that England was involved in taking over land and entire countries, as well. Anarchists, or anarchist thought of some sort, has been present since Lao Tzu’s time (around 500 BC). Basically since the existence of states, or some sort of hierarchical power has been present there have been anarchist ideas present and that alone was and remains a threat to the stability of the government’s existence, past and present. If everyone ceased to comply government would cease to exist and with an entity desiring to gain complete ownership of the world, it’s people and it’s resources, anarchy is a direct threat.

Government only desires it’s own agenda. It has no room for the hopes and dreams of others. It has no room to bend and grow with the population. It is stagnant and it is selfish. Only wishing to carry out deeds that benefits it and no one else. Anarchy, on the other hand, is a selfless path of existence.

Anarchy is without force, without violence. It is a free system in which free individuals decide what path suits their personal needs best. Anarchy does not desire to own or control people, much less entire countries. Anarchy will not create wars. It will not dislocate millions from their homes. It will not force individuals to pay taxes and fund activities they do not support. It does not force your neighbor to believe and support everything you believe and support. It allows each and every individual to be. It is truly selfless.

Anarchy will not provide the roads, it will not provide the school systems, it will not provide a police force in the same way that is present in our current society. Communities will develop their own unique methods of these services the city provides for them. It will create a diverse market in which each person will have the ability to choose, not be forced to accept. School programs will be able to diversify and include topics of importance. It will have the freedom to exclude standardized testing and the teachers will finally be able to teach. Corrupt law enforcement can be abandoned and newer models will come into play. Government officials that are supposed to represent the needs of thousands of people will be eliminated and individuals can either represent themselves or choose someone to represent their community, but because everything will be on a smaller scale the needs and desires of each person in the community will actually be heard and cared for.

If we as one people, care about each other as individuals, we will accept them to exist with their hopes and dreams even if they differ from our own. We will learn to accept each other and love each other. We will learn what it is to be a community. We are capable. We are powerful. We can set not only ourselves, but every person free through anarchy. This is what I choose. This is what I believe to be right. I hope you will take this step of faith towards a more positive direction with me.

-Cristina Urquieta

Works Cited:

http://www.peikoff.com/opar/anarchism.htm

Anarchy: The Selfless Path

A Little About Myself

Hello beautiful peoples of the Universe,

My name is Cristina. I am many things, but mainly I am a singer/songwriter, a mother of a 4 year old daughter, an activist and fighter for freedom, an artist, and a violin teacher. I am reserved, yet under the right conditions can be an open book, allowing you to read carefully every page. I am soft, but powerful with my voice, my songs, and in my demeanor. I am a perfectionist and can be hard on myself about any thing, big or small. I am a go-getter. I don’t just say I’m going to do things, I actually do them. I am a dreamer. I hope for a world that only knows love and peace and patience and understanding to exist one day. I understand that dream may be far away, but I intend to create my own small community tat will exhibit these characteristics. I hope to lead the world into a better version of itself. I hope to leave a mark of change, whether slight or large. I hope to make an impact on the way one thinks about our beautiful Mother Earth and her children that reside in it. I am many things, but I am also and probably MOST importantly, a student. I am learning every second of everyday. I am taking steps where I thought I would fall, but stood tall. I am leaving myself open to the beautiful and mysterious lessons the Universe grants us at every moment.

I plan to use this blog as my own outlet for stresses, dreams, ideas, and adventures I experience along the way.

 

Here is to the new year or 2016 and all the beautiful ups and downs we will encounter along the way. I hope that you’ll enjoy the ride I share openly with you all.

Here are some links to some things I am involved in:

http://www.soundslikemetanoia.bandcamp.com

http://www.facebook.com/soundslikemetanoia

Subscribe to my channel! ^^^

Another channel I am involved with:

https://www.youtube.com/user/ConsciousResistance

Here’s my art:

https://www.instagram.com/cristina.art/

 

 

Talk to you all soon ❤

-Cristina

A Little About Myself