Demisexuality

Figuring out that I am a demisexual has really answered a lot of questions I’ve had about myself. It has helped me understand why i respond to situations and ideas the way that I do. Why I have not ever been really sexually active or even curious to be sexual with others. It has been informative to piece myself together, even though I am not very big on labels and identifying under them because people are people and we fit under an array of labels. I do think this fits me very closely, though.

It’s very hard for me to become intimate with people. Even on a friendly level because people make me nervous. People don’t typically relate to the things I an interested in and they don’t typically think about things to the depth that I think about them at. MY mind has tendencies to become a philosopher. I wonder about everything and I break it down into tiny piece for analysis. That’s the scientist in me.

I wish I could understand basic sexual attraction. I wish I could understand how it works for people and what they feel and why they feel it. But I can’t. I do not get it. I do not get how anyone would desire sexual interaction with another individual that they are not connected to. Maybe someone else can explain it to me? I get that hormones play a role. I get the very basic scientific understanding we have of it, but we are more than our chemical reactions. We are living, breathing, conscious creatures. Why is sexual desire so much higher in every one else? Why do I not get it?

I think it’s more than okay to be sexual as often as you please. I think it is okay to express your sexuality because it is a very big part of us whether we have it or not. So, that being said I don’t want anyone to think that I think being sexual is wrong. I do think that it’s superficial though. I think if you have sex with someone based solely on a few interactions and how they look that it is the most superficial layer of sexuality. It is almost fake to me.

The only reason I say it’s fake is because sex is a lot more than an act. It is a lot more than something that feels good. That is the most basic (other than for reproductive purposes) function sex can provide. Sex should be more than that though. You are physically connecting your body, the body that carries your spirit and your mind. You are making a physical connection to these things. So sex is not basic. It is not superficial in itself. It is powerful. It is like a ceremony of the bodies uniting into one being for a few moments. It is uniting all the things, mind, body, spirit. When you create that bond with someone you barely know, or someone you do not love, it is fake. It is a fake bond.

That does not mean it doesn’t feel good. That does not mean it is not fun. IT also does not mean it’s wrong. If you are aware that you are creating plastic bonds with people, then by all means, go for it.

Because I am a demisexual though, and the emotional bond is extremely important for me to create a sexual bond, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of casual sex.

My conclusion to all of this is that I just don’t want to have sex with anyone ever again.

It is hard on my emotional self, spiritual self, and my body feels unprotected.

These are just my thoughts. I don’t want to offend anyone. I do not think there is anything wrong with you all if you love casual sex or you have multiple sex partners or whatever it is. I do not care. This is just how I particularly see sex and it makes it hard for me to relate to other people about sex since I do not understand.

Demisexuality

Demisexual

A few months ago I was having talk with my closest (and best) friend. We were talking about when we were younger and started experiencing sexual desires. She told me she was in middle school when she began thinking about sexual things and becoming curious. I seem to remember a lot of kids talking about sexual things and I had even heard about kids already having sex in middle school. I guess it had never really dawned on me until this point because I have always been a bit of an outsider, but I didn’t have any sexual desires as a preteen/teenager. I do remember being curious what it might be like to kiss someone, but I was just thinking about a small peck on the lips, not a full on make out which seemed kind of gross to me at that time. My middle school friends thought it was strange when I might seem grossed out about making out or something or the sort. It’s really funny to think about it now because suddenly things make a little more sense.

What I realized when I was talking  to my friend was that I was actually a demisexual. A demisexual is someone who must be mentally stimulated in order to possibly desire to experience physical stimulation. Basically, it is absolutely necessary for a demisexual to have an emotional connection before they can develop an intimate connection.

I remember becoming infatuated with some guys in high school because one night we spent hours and hours just talking on the phone. I would feel this emotional connection and then we would “date”. Anywhere from a few days to a week later I would realize I really did not like them in the romantic way and so I would break up with them. It is really silly and it happened quite a few times. I didn’t know what happened. It was nothing they did. Now I realize that I connected to them emotionally for a moment and that is what made me desire them, but then I would realize that connection was maybe just for that moment or wasn’t consistent and so I would get uncomfortable and leave.

Still to this day I do not have sexual desires for just anyone. I absolutely must have a strong bond with them. I definitely see attractive people, but I am not turned on by them whatsoever. Even if I am alone with them, I have no desire to initiate anything or give them any hints to initiate anything.

However, just because I am a demisexual does not mean I am not a sexual person. I am very sexual with a select few over my life. I have a pretty high sex drive and I really love having sex (like most people). The only thing that is special about my case is that I can’t just hook up with people. I have bonds with people and I feel those are very sacred to myself. I truly value those, but if you can turn me on mentally it is pretty simple to get my body going. It really won’t take much.

 

Are there any other demisexuals reading my blog? When did you realize you were a demisexual? How did you feel when you finally were able to put the pieces together about how your sexuality works?

 

There is no right or wrong sexuality. Everyone has their own unique brand and twist on it. We are human beings and we exhibit a myriad of sexualities. I do not think more highly of mine versus yours. I think they are all equal and I think everyone should learn to understand theirs and should be proud of what they are. I also think it is very important that we all take time to understand our sexuality. It is a huge part of us and the more you understand about yourself the more you can grow in all directions.

Demisexual