Emotional Rollercoaster

I am everywhere. I feel like my emotions are too much. All the time. I am tired of dealing with them. I am tired of trying to “handle” them. I am exhausted of trying to just be present and then getting sucked into memories.

 

I am tired of people getting close to me. I am tired of wanting people. I am tired of trying to express my emotions to people and them shutting me out because of it. I am so fucking tired of this part of the human experience. I don’t like people. I don’t like being around them much. I don’t like forcing myself to have conversations with people. I don’t like taking everything more seriously than everyone else. I don’t like giving more than 100% of myself and others giving me pieces.

 

I just really want everyone to leave me alone forever. Just leave me alone. I just need to get my tiny house and just go away. I don’t want any friends. I just want Nairah and my band. I want everything and everyone else to just leave me alone. I am not a strong enough person, emotionally, to deal with the pain of being with people. I am not made for this. I just want to cry all day for hours and be alone and just let myself feel all my pain so I can release it.

I am not who I need to be in order to be in a relationship with any one person. I need to be able to handle my own emotions.. my own problems, by myself. I can’t expect help from anyone because no one actually gets me. They get pieces of me. No one gets me. I give them a chance to get me and I am too much. I am overwhelming. I am scary. I know because I scare and overwhelm myself. It is chaotic inside of myself sometimes. I am not anything special. I am just here. I am just feeling things. Like everyone else. I just don’t know how to handle it. I am just here. And I want to be left here.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Demisexuality

Figuring out that I am a demisexual has really answered a lot of questions I’ve had about myself. It has helped me understand why i respond to situations and ideas the way that I do. Why I have not ever been really sexually active or even curious to be sexual with others. It has been informative to piece myself together, even though I am not very big on labels and identifying under them because people are people and we fit under an array of labels. I do think this fits me very closely, though.

It’s very hard for me to become intimate with people. Even on a friendly level because people make me nervous. People don’t typically relate to the things I an interested in and they don’t typically think about things to the depth that I think about them at. MY mind has tendencies to become a philosopher. I wonder about everything and I break it down into tiny piece for analysis. That’s the scientist in me.

I wish I could understand basic sexual attraction. I wish I could understand how it works for people and what they feel and why they feel it. But I can’t. I do not get it. I do not get how anyone would desire sexual interaction with another individual that they are not connected to. Maybe someone else can explain it to me? I get that hormones play a role. I get the very basic scientific understanding we have of it, but we are more than our chemical reactions. We are living, breathing, conscious creatures. Why is sexual desire so much higher in every one else? Why do I not get it?

I think it’s more than okay to be sexual as often as you please. I think it is okay to express your sexuality because it is a very big part of us whether we have it or not. So, that being said I don’t want anyone to think that I think being sexual is wrong. I do think that it’s superficial though. I think if you have sex with someone based solely on a few interactions and how they look that it is the most superficial layer of sexuality. It is almost fake to me.

The only reason I say it’s fake is because sex is a lot more than an act. It is a lot more than something that feels good. That is the most basic (other than for reproductive purposes) function sex can provide. Sex should be more than that though. You are physically connecting your body, the body that carries your spirit and your mind. You are making a physical connection to these things. So sex is not basic. It is not superficial in itself. It is powerful. It is like a ceremony of the bodies uniting into one being for a few moments. It is uniting all the things, mind, body, spirit. When you create that bond with someone you barely know, or someone you do not love, it is fake. It is a fake bond.

That does not mean it doesn’t feel good. That does not mean it is not fun. IT also does not mean it’s wrong. If you are aware that you are creating plastic bonds with people, then by all means, go for it.

Because I am a demisexual though, and the emotional bond is extremely important for me to create a sexual bond, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of casual sex.

My conclusion to all of this is that I just don’t want to have sex with anyone ever again.

It is hard on my emotional self, spiritual self, and my body feels unprotected.

These are just my thoughts. I don’t want to offend anyone. I do not think there is anything wrong with you all if you love casual sex or you have multiple sex partners or whatever it is. I do not care. This is just how I particularly see sex and it makes it hard for me to relate to other people about sex since I do not understand.

Demisexuality

Relationships are a weird thing. They come with a lot of growth, a lot of love, a lot of memories and experiences, and they really imprint themselves onto your being. Unfortunately, they can also create a lot of scars.

I have a lot of really beautiful memories of being with someone I loved. I have grown in so many different ways from that experience, not only while it was going on, but after it ended as well. One of the biggest gifts I received from my last relationship was my voice. I was lovingly encouraged and nurtured to sing. There was a lot of patience and acceptance there. I felt comfortable to explore something so private up until then. Now, I am the lead singer of Metanoia. A band that has grown with me since it began and it is only the start of my musical journey. I don’t think there would be a Metanoia had my past lover never encouraged me to sing in the first place. I needed a lot of compliments and words of encouragement to continue or begin and he helped me with that. He provided that environment for me and for that I will forever be grateful to him.

There were a lot of good memories, a lot of fun times smoking and dancing and laughing together. He was my best friend and there was a moment when I couldn’t imagine myself anywhere without him. Sadly, and inevitably, things changed.

There were a lot of things going on, a lot of life changes happening when the relationship really started to evolve away from this loving experience to this angry and resentful experience. Personal health issues with him and I was pregnant. So yes, LOTS of changes and things that were really scary for a couple of 20 year olds to be going through. Looking back I can see where I went wrong and what I could have done to maybe help him, but I also see places where he could have improved.

I should have been more focused on how he was feeling with his medical issues. I know he was scared. I should have paid more attention, spoken to him more, loved him more in the ways he needed me too. I was lost in falling in love with this beautiful baby girl I was carrying inside of my belly. I was obsessed, like all mothers usually are. I forgot to focus on him and I focused on me and my daughter (not that it was wrong to do so, but I was not conscientious in my actions). We were being pulled into our own separate worlds. He was depressed. I was excited. He felt alone. I was surrounded by family and my growing baby. We were living two very different realities at the time and it caused a lot of issues to arise.

Arguments became more common. Spending time together became less of an option. We would spend our nights together, but never would we go out together. He would hang out with his friends while I was alone. I begged and cried to him many nights to please, be with me. To please spend time with me. To please love me in the way I am asking. Instead, he slept all day. Isolated from Nairah and I in his dream world. Instead he worked all day. Instead he left us. He left me.

As time kept going, I kept feeling more isolated from him. I kept feeling more angry towards him because he wouldn’t wake up to spend time with us, because he wouldn’t do the things he said he would do, because he didn’t want to spend time with me. He pushed me so far away and none of it was on purpose. It was all just careless mistakes. Even though I tried numerous times to tell him what I needed from him, he would ignore it, or try it out for one day and then revert to his old ways. I needed him to change and that is not something I think you can expect someone to do.

You can ask for your loved one to listen to your cries and hope that they will have their own desire to change because they love you and want to always make you happy, but that is not always the case. Sometimes they hear you, but they either can’t change or don’t want to. Maybe they hear you, but they ignore it. Maybe they hear you, but there are other things happening in their life that they aren’t being completely open about with you and so they bury themselves in the stresses of keeping you happy and keeping their sanity. I really don’t know what all contributed to the problems we faced, but I know that I tried. I tried my fucking hardest to make him see what was hurting me before letting go.

Now, a year later and I am still hurt by the pain. I am still sad that he let me slip so far away. I am still hurt that he can’t communicate with me. I am still confused about what love means to him and how come it wasn’t received on my end. There are so many unanswered questions and things that I wish I could say to him, but I know he doesn’t care anymore. At least not in a way that he would hear me out. He may care somewhat because we were married and were in love at one point in time, but my thoughts are irrelevant to him now.

I wish that I could get him to see that I tried. I wish I could get him to remember that I was begging him to help me fix the broken mess of our relationship. I could see it falling apart way before it completely fell apart. I wish I could get him to take responsibility for the faults that he held in the relationship. I wish that he would have become better, but I feel he has stayed the same. Maybe he has grown in ways I can’t see because I do not really know him anymore, but when he interacts with me I still feel frustration, I feel pain because I still feel unheard.

I guess what I need to know now is how do I let all this go? How can I just let it go in one breath? I no longer want to feel this pain or sadness. I will always love him and care about him, but I don’t want to hurt. I need to let it go, but I don’t know how. Is there a quick fix or does  it take years and years to let go? The same way it took years and years to build up? If so, then there are a lot of years ahead of me where I will be slowly releasing this pain, but if there is a way to let it all go now I want to do that. I want to let it all go now.

It’s very confusing to fall in love more than one time..

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and what kind of love I can give and what kind of love I need in return.

I’ve noticed that falling the second time is much scarier. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to let myself fall anymore. Maybe I should just stop everything because I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel this emotional rollercoaster.

I am open. I am giving. I am receiving. I am honest. I am consistent in my words. My actions speak for me where my words fail. I want to love freely. I want to chose to love in every moment. I want to choose to give. I want to choose. I want the same in return. So I never ask for anything except friendship. That is the only thing I want to count on is your friendship.

But.. the further I fall the more emotionally involved I am. In a very different way than I am with my friends. This is a special kind of friendship. It’s different. Everything about it is different from what I have known. But I don’t want to let go. I want to give my love as long as you will accept it.

It’s just I am scared of feeling these feelings. And sometimes I feel alone in feeling them. Not that you aren’t feeling them. I know you are. But you are different. You wall yourself up when you get scared. I don’t know how to do that (or even necessarily want to do that). So i am vulnerable. All the time. I am.

And because I am so scared of my own emotions, I have to face them alone sometimes. And sometimes your wall rises up just as my wave is crashing down and it hits the hardest fucking wall. And it hurts me to hit it. I am so confused.

 

Do I want to feel all these things?

I want to love you as long as I can because I know that I can’t love like this anymore. I cannot love any more people in this way that is so deep it flows in my veins. I just can’t. It’s scaring.. and overwhelming at times.

 

The way I need to be loved is by allowing my love to flow freely on to you without you getting scared of me because I am scared of me.

But I guess it is my own problem. I have to be brave. I have to be able to handle my own emotions. Otherwise what right do I have to ask anyone else to be able to handle them? I have no right. I have to be stronger. But I am not.

Flowing Waters

I am such an emotional person. Because of my extreme emotional personality I am extremely passionate, which can sometimes be viewed as obsessions. When I get into something, whether its a subject I am studying, music I am listening to, food I am eating, or friends, I can become obsessed and maybe easily addicted to things that are good. Its not that anything is harmful or detrimental to my being, although I could have gone down that path, I just knew to stay away from negative addictions because I saw how badly they affected the lives of both my parents.

Anyways, what I am saying is I am a very emotional being. I become wrapped up and when I love I love without hesitations. It doesn’t mean I am not scared of my emotions because sometimes (when it pertains to love particularly) I am terrified. I can see and feel myself experiencing emotions that are intense and powerful and I can feel my natural rhythm to embrace and flow with it is sometimes unstoppable. Sometimes I am just watching my emotions unfold and bathe those around me and maybe I don’t necessarily (from a logically standpoint) want to. Sometimes I want to not do that because my heart is sensitive and I have had to learn from an early age to be more protective of it. I have also had to learn to “tame” the flow of my emotions to prevent a dangerous flood of emotions that will drown not only the other person, but myself too.

I am scared because I will deal with my emotions alone. Like I always have, but I feel better when there is someone there tat understands my emotions and isn’t afraid of experiencing them because I am afraid of experiencing them myself but I am forced to be brave because I live inside myself. Others can choose to leave or shut down or hide and maybe that feels good to them, but it makes me suck every drop of water I was pouring back up into myself. Its like a flurry of energies that suddenly get halted and I have to use everything I can to pull the waves back into the container that is my body. It usually makes me feel uncomfortable when I have to do that because water doesn’t like to be in a container. It likes to flow and create new paths and cut through mountains. It is patient and can gently carve masterpieces out of the rugged stones, but that is what it does. It is free and moves as it pleases. It ebbs and flows. So sometimes when I feel all my energy being sucked into myself it feels uncomfortable because I don’t think I even have enough space inside of my body to contain the amount of water energies that I have in my essence.

I am scared though. I am easily hurt. I just don’t know if I can handle any more emotional pain, whether big or small.

Flowing Waters

Jealousy Promotes Possessiveness

I think it’s important for any human being who wishes to grow in all mental and spiritual capacities that we learn to question all aspects of our self. Some of us question our own motives and ideas growing up, but I believe a lot of people stop at a certain level. Maybe they don’t realize they aren’t pushing the boundaries of their thoughts anymore or maybe they do not have courage to continue pressing because it is difficult to face the truths. If you want to become the best you, you will inevitably need to change yourself and change sucks sometimes. It’s scary to face and it can be hard to accomplish. We can feel stuck. That nothing we do to change actually works, but I know that is not true. We all have the capabilities and strength to change, but we need to be better at finding the root to our problems. Sometimes we try to change something, but it’s not the source and so it never actually changes. Deep diving into the self is essential for the consciously growing human being. That being said, I have discovered a few interesting things about myself.I explained what my idea of love is, what my ideas on parenting are, and how I have evolved in my ways of thought and action. . I haven’t talked much about emotions though, so let me talk about jealousy.

 

Jealousy is a dangerous emotion that can lead to undesired thoughts and impulsive actions. This is how I have known jealousy. Maybe your experience is something different. I have come to the conclusion that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It is a huge waste of energy to create scenarios, make assumptions, and lose control of emotions by anger or sadness. I am an emotional person. I can feel those waves ripple up through my entire body and I know I expend a lot of energy just from feeling things. Maybe that’s just me, but I’m thinking there are at least a few of you who can relate to this surge. It can be draining to feel things, good or bad, and since I want to use my energy for what is loving, I just don’t have room for jealousy.

 

Jealousy leads to possessiveness. It leads to the desire to control and contain another human being for your own selfish desires. Jealousy is a negative emotion in every direction and if we want to be better we must learn to deal with it in a healthy way. It is important to remember that it is okay to feel these things. It is okay to feel. Please don’t take this as an attack against natural emotions. Do not be hard on yourself if you feel jealousy at any moment. It is okay.

 

What should really be worked on is our reactions. How do we respond to negative emotions? Do we let them eat us alive filling us with anger and resentment? Do we react in angry outbursts that may create more damage to the situation? Do we expend all that beautiful energy that we could harvest to make loving vibrations ripple through the Universe create pain and destruction? I don’t think so.

 

The next time you feel jealous ask yourself why? Then ask yourself what is it stemming from? Mistrust? Fear? Do you feel threatened? If so why? Do you not trust this person? If you do not trust them why are you hanging out with them? Surround yourself with those you love and trust, not those you wish to control and spy on. We must learn how to release these negative emotions. We must learn to let go of them in a peaceful way. We must be the change we wish to see. We have a lot to learn and understand about why we are the way we are and it all starts out with asking yourself some simple questions and learning to answer yourself in an honest and pure way. It takes time to change and depending on how long we have thought and behaved a certain way it may take years to change aspects of yourself. Do not give up though. You are strong and courageous and you have the ability to become a better you. Dig deep my loves, you will find the answers.

Jealousy Promotes Possessiveness