Emotional Rollercoaster

I am everywhere. I feel like my emotions are too much. All the time. I am tired of dealing with them. I am tired of trying to “handle” them. I am exhausted of trying to just be present and then getting sucked into memories.

 

I am tired of people getting close to me. I am tired of wanting people. I am tired of trying to express my emotions to people and them shutting me out because of it. I am so fucking tired of this part of the human experience. I don’t like people. I don’t like being around them much. I don’t like forcing myself to have conversations with people. I don’t like taking everything more seriously than everyone else. I don’t like giving more than 100% of myself and others giving me pieces.

 

I just really want everyone to leave me alone forever. Just leave me alone. I just need to get my tiny house and just go away. I don’t want any friends. I just want Nairah and my band. I want everything and everyone else to just leave me alone. I am not a strong enough person, emotionally, to deal with the pain of being with people. I am not made for this. I just want to cry all day for hours and be alone and just let myself feel all my pain so I can release it.

I am not who I need to be in order to be in a relationship with any one person. I need to be able to handle my own emotions.. my own problems, by myself. I can’t expect help from anyone because no one actually gets me. They get pieces of me. No one gets me. I give them a chance to get me and I am too much. I am overwhelming. I am scary. I know because I scare and overwhelm myself. It is chaotic inside of myself sometimes. I am not anything special. I am just here. I am just feeling things. Like everyone else. I just don’t know how to handle it. I am just here. And I want to be left here.

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Emotional Rollercoaster

Demisexuality

Figuring out that I am a demisexual has really answered a lot of questions I’ve had about myself. It has helped me understand why i respond to situations and ideas the way that I do. Why I have not ever been really sexually active or even curious to be sexual with others. It has been informative to piece myself together, even though I am not very big on labels and identifying under them because people are people and we fit under an array of labels. I do think this fits me very closely, though.

It’s very hard for me to become intimate with people. Even on a friendly level because people make me nervous. People don’t typically relate to the things I an interested in and they don’t typically think about things to the depth that I think about them at. MY mind has tendencies to become a philosopher. I wonder about everything and I break it down into tiny piece for analysis. That’s the scientist in me.

I wish I could understand basic sexual attraction. I wish I could understand how it works for people and what they feel and why they feel it. But I can’t. I do not get it. I do not get how anyone would desire sexual interaction with another individual that they are not connected to. Maybe someone else can explain it to me? I get that hormones play a role. I get the very basic scientific understanding we have of it, but we are more than our chemical reactions. We are living, breathing, conscious creatures. Why is sexual desire so much higher in every one else? Why do I not get it?

I think it’s more than okay to be sexual as often as you please. I think it is okay to express your sexuality because it is a very big part of us whether we have it or not. So, that being said I don’t want anyone to think that I think being sexual is wrong. I do think that it’s superficial though. I think if you have sex with someone based solely on a few interactions and how they look that it is the most superficial layer of sexuality. It is almost fake to me.

The only reason I say it’s fake is because sex is a lot more than an act. It is a lot more than something that feels good. That is the most basic (other than for reproductive purposes)¬†function sex can provide. Sex should be more than that though. You are physically connecting your body, the body that carries your spirit and your mind. You are making a physical connection to these things. So sex is not basic. It is not superficial in itself. It is powerful. It is like a ceremony of the bodies uniting into one being for a few moments. It is uniting all the things, mind, body, spirit. When you create that bond with someone you barely know, or someone you do not love, it is fake. It is a fake bond.

That does not mean it doesn’t feel good. That does not mean it is not fun. IT also does not mean it’s wrong. If you are aware that you are creating plastic bonds with people, then by all means, go for it.

Because I am a demisexual though, and the emotional bond is extremely important for me to create a sexual bond, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of casual sex.

My conclusion to all of this is that I just don’t want to have sex with anyone ever again.

It is hard on my emotional self, spiritual self, and my body feels unprotected.

These are just my thoughts. I don’t want to offend anyone. I do not think there is anything wrong with you all if you love casual sex or you have multiple sex partners or whatever it is. I do not care. This is just how I particularly see sex and it makes it hard for me to relate to other people about sex since I do not understand.

Demisexuality