I am everywhere. I feel like my emotions are too much. All the time. I am tired of dealing with them. I am tired of trying to “handle” them. I am exhausted of trying to just be present and then getting sucked into memories.
I am tired of people getting close to me. I am tired of wanting people. I am tired of trying to express my emotions to people and them shutting me out because of it. I am so fucking tired of this part of the human experience. I don’t like people. I don’t like being around them much. I don’t like forcing myself to have conversations with people. I don’t like taking everything more seriously than everyone else. I don’t like giving more than 100% of myself and others giving me pieces.
I just really want everyone to leave me alone forever. Just leave me alone. I just need to get my tiny house and just go away. I don’t want any friends. I just want Nairah and my band. I want everything and everyone else to just leave me alone. I am not a strong enough person, emotionally, to deal with the pain of being with people. I am not made for this. I just want to cry all day for hours and be alone and just let myself feel all my pain so I can release it.
I am not who I need to be in order to be in a relationship with any one person. I need to be able to handle my own emotions.. my own problems, by myself. I can’t expect help from anyone because no one actually gets me. They get pieces of me. No one gets me. I give them a chance to get me and I am too much. I am overwhelming. I am scary. I know because I scare and overwhelm myself. It is chaotic inside of myself sometimes. I am not anything special. I am just here. I am just feeling things. Like everyone else. I just don’t know how to handle it. I am just here. And I want to be left here.