It’s very confusing to fall in love more than one time..
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and what kind of love I can give and what kind of love I need in return.
I’ve noticed that falling the second time is much scarier. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to let myself fall anymore. Maybe I should just stop everything because I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel this emotional rollercoaster.
I am open. I am giving. I am receiving. I am honest. I am consistent in my words. My actions speak for me where my words fail. I want to love freely. I want to chose to love in every moment. I want to choose to give. I want to choose. I want the same in return. So I never ask for anything except friendship. That is the only thing I want to count on is your friendship.
But.. the further I fall the more emotionally involved I am. In a very different way than I am with my friends. This is a special kind of friendship. It’s different. Everything about it is different from what I have known. But I don’t want to let go. I want to give my love as long as you will accept it.
It’s just I am scared of feeling these feelings. And sometimes I feel alone in feeling them. Not that you aren’t feeling them. I know you are. But you are different. You wall yourself up when you get scared. I don’t know how to do that (or even necessarily want to do that). So i am vulnerable. All the time. I am.
And because I am so scared of my own emotions, I have to face them alone sometimes. And sometimes your wall rises up just as my wave is crashing down and it hits the hardest fucking wall. And it hurts me to hit it. I am so confused.
Do I want to feel all these things?
I want to love you as long as I can because I know that I can’t love like this anymore. I cannot love any more people in this way that is so deep it flows in my veins. I just can’t. It’s scaring.. and overwhelming at times.
The way I need to be loved is by allowing my love to flow freely on to you without you getting scared of me because I am scared of me.
But I guess it is my own problem. I have to be brave. I have to be able to handle my own emotions. Otherwise what right do I have to ask anyone else to be able to handle them? I have no right. I have to be stronger. But I am not.