Might as well share my music with you all 🙂
Might as well share my music with you all 🙂
Relationships are a weird thing. They come with a lot of growth, a lot of love, a lot of memories and experiences, and they really imprint themselves onto your being. Unfortunately, they can also create a lot of scars.
I have a lot of really beautiful memories of being with someone I loved. I have grown in so many different ways from that experience, not only while it was going on, but after it ended as well. One of the biggest gifts I received from my last relationship was my voice. I was lovingly encouraged and nurtured to sing. There was a lot of patience and acceptance there. I felt comfortable to explore something so private up until then. Now, I am the lead singer of Metanoia. A band that has grown with me since it began and it is only the start of my musical journey. I don’t think there would be a Metanoia had my past lover never encouraged me to sing in the first place. I needed a lot of compliments and words of encouragement to continue or begin and he helped me with that. He provided that environment for me and for that I will forever be grateful to him.
There were a lot of good memories, a lot of fun times smoking and dancing and laughing together. He was my best friend and there was a moment when I couldn’t imagine myself anywhere without him. Sadly, and inevitably, things changed.
There were a lot of things going on, a lot of life changes happening when the relationship really started to evolve away from this loving experience to this angry and resentful experience. Personal health issues with him and I was pregnant. So yes, LOTS of changes and things that were really scary for a couple of 20 year olds to be going through. Looking back I can see where I went wrong and what I could have done to maybe help him, but I also see places where he could have improved.
I should have been more focused on how he was feeling with his medical issues. I know he was scared. I should have paid more attention, spoken to him more, loved him more in the ways he needed me too. I was lost in falling in love with this beautiful baby girl I was carrying inside of my belly. I was obsessed, like all mothers usually are. I forgot to focus on him and I focused on me and my daughter (not that it was wrong to do so, but I was not conscientious in my actions). We were being pulled into our own separate worlds. He was depressed. I was excited. He felt alone. I was surrounded by family and my growing baby. We were living two very different realities at the time and it caused a lot of issues to arise.
Arguments became more common. Spending time together became less of an option. We would spend our nights together, but never would we go out together. He would hang out with his friends while I was alone. I begged and cried to him many nights to please, be with me. To please spend time with me. To please love me in the way I am asking. Instead, he slept all day. Isolated from Nairah and I in his dream world. Instead he worked all day. Instead he left us. He left me.
As time kept going, I kept feeling more isolated from him. I kept feeling more angry towards him because he wouldn’t wake up to spend time with us, because he wouldn’t do the things he said he would do, because he didn’t want to spend time with me. He pushed me so far away and none of it was on purpose. It was all just careless mistakes. Even though I tried numerous times to tell him what I needed from him, he would ignore it, or try it out for one day and then revert to his old ways. I needed him to change and that is not something I think you can expect someone to do.
You can ask for your loved one to listen to your cries and hope that they will have their own desire to change because they love you and want to always make you happy, but that is not always the case. Sometimes they hear you, but they either can’t change or don’t want to. Maybe they hear you, but they ignore it. Maybe they hear you, but there are other things happening in their life that they aren’t being completely open about with you and so they bury themselves in the stresses of keeping you happy and keeping their sanity. I really don’t know what all contributed to the problems we faced, but I know that I tried. I tried my fucking hardest to make him see what was hurting me before letting go.
Now, a year later and I am still hurt by the pain. I am still sad that he let me slip so far away. I am still hurt that he can’t communicate with me. I am still confused about what love means to him and how come it wasn’t received on my end. There are so many unanswered questions and things that I wish I could say to him, but I know he doesn’t care anymore. At least not in a way that he would hear me out. He may care somewhat because we were married and were in love at one point in time, but my thoughts are irrelevant to him now.
I wish that I could get him to see that I tried. I wish I could get him to remember that I was begging him to help me fix the broken mess of our relationship. I could see it falling apart way before it completely fell apart. I wish I could get him to take responsibility for the faults that he held in the relationship. I wish that he would have become better, but I feel he has stayed the same. Maybe he has grown in ways I can’t see because I do not really know him anymore, but when he interacts with me I still feel frustration, I feel pain because I still feel unheard.
I guess what I need to know now is how do I let all this go? How can I just let it go in one breath? I no longer want to feel this pain or sadness. I will always love him and care about him, but I don’t want to hurt. I need to let it go, but I don’t know how. Is there a quick fix or does it take years and years to let go? The same way it took years and years to build up? If so, then there are a lot of years ahead of me where I will be slowly releasing this pain, but if there is a way to let it all go now I want to do that. I want to let it all go now.
It’s very confusing to fall in love more than one time..
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and what kind of love I can give and what kind of love I need in return.
I’ve noticed that falling the second time is much scarier. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to let myself fall anymore. Maybe I should just stop everything because I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel this emotional rollercoaster.
I am open. I am giving. I am receiving. I am honest. I am consistent in my words. My actions speak for me where my words fail. I want to love freely. I want to chose to love in every moment. I want to choose to give. I want to choose. I want the same in return. So I never ask for anything except friendship. That is the only thing I want to count on is your friendship.
But.. the further I fall the more emotionally involved I am. In a very different way than I am with my friends. This is a special kind of friendship. It’s different. Everything about it is different from what I have known. But I don’t want to let go. I want to give my love as long as you will accept it.
It’s just I am scared of feeling these feelings. And sometimes I feel alone in feeling them. Not that you aren’t feeling them. I know you are. But you are different. You wall yourself up when you get scared. I don’t know how to do that (or even necessarily want to do that). So i am vulnerable. All the time. I am.
And because I am so scared of my own emotions, I have to face them alone sometimes. And sometimes your wall rises up just as my wave is crashing down and it hits the hardest fucking wall. And it hurts me to hit it. I am so confused.
Do I want to feel all these things?
I want to love you as long as I can because I know that I can’t love like this anymore. I cannot love any more people in this way that is so deep it flows in my veins. I just can’t. It’s scaring.. and overwhelming at times.
The way I need to be loved is by allowing my love to flow freely on to you without you getting scared of me because I am scared of me.
But I guess it is my own problem. I have to be brave. I have to be able to handle my own emotions. Otherwise what right do I have to ask anyone else to be able to handle them? I have no right. I have to be stronger. But I am not.