A few months ago I was having talk with my closest (and best) friend. We were talking about when we were younger and started experiencing sexual desires. She told me she was in middle school when she began thinking about sexual things and becoming curious. I seem to remember a lot of kids talking about sexual things and I had even heard about kids already having sex in middle school. I guess it had never really dawned on me until this point because I have always been a bit of an outsider, but I didn’t have any sexual desires as a preteen/teenager. I do remember being curious what it might be like to kiss someone, but I was just thinking about a small peck on the lips, not a full on make out which seemed kind of gross to me at that time. My middle school friends thought it was strange when I might seem grossed out about making out or something or the sort. It’s really funny to think about it now because suddenly things make a little more sense.
What I realized when I was talking to my friend was that I was actually a demisexual. A demisexual is someone who must be mentally stimulated in order to possibly desire to experience physical stimulation. Basically, it is absolutely necessary for a demisexual to have an emotional connection before they can develop an intimate connection.
I remember becoming infatuated with some guys in high school because one night we spent hours and hours just talking on the phone. I would feel this emotional connection and then we would “date”. Anywhere from a few days to a week later I would realize I really did not like them in the romantic way and so I would break up with them. It is really silly and it happened quite a few times. I didn’t know what happened. It was nothing they did. Now I realize that I connected to them emotionally for a moment and that is what made me desire them, but then I would realize that connection was maybe just for that moment or wasn’t consistent and so I would get uncomfortable and leave.
Still to this day I do not have sexual desires for just anyone. I absolutely must have a strong bond with them. I definitely see attractive people, but I am not turned on by them whatsoever. Even if I am alone with them, I have no desire to initiate anything or give them any hints to initiate anything.
However, just because I am a demisexual does not mean I am not a sexual person. I am very sexual with a select few over my life. I have a pretty high sex drive and I really love having sex (like most people). The only thing that is special about my case is that I can’t just hook up with people. I have bonds with people and I feel those are very sacred to myself. I truly value those, but if you can turn me on mentally it is pretty simple to get my body going. It really won’t take much.
Are there any other demisexuals reading my blog? When did you realize you were a demisexual? How did you feel when you finally were able to put the pieces together about how your sexuality works?
There is no right or wrong sexuality. Everyone has their own unique brand and twist on it. We are human beings and we exhibit a myriad of sexualities. I do not think more highly of mine versus yours. I think they are all equal and I think everyone should learn to understand theirs and should be proud of what they are. I also think it is very important that we all take time to understand our sexuality. It is a huge part of us and the more you understand about yourself the more you can grow in all directions.